Archive for August, 2008

LX.

Posted in Uncategorized on 20 August 2008 by ms. v

This week has been… a lot.

A friend wrote to tell me she had a miscarriage. A colleague has been really sick. Another friend left for graduate school. My best friend in the world will likely move to Maine very soon. I never thought she’d be here forever but I still don’t want her to go.

New anxieties replace old ones. I fear that I will write something that will make me look foolish, that the gaps in my knowledge – which are vast – are not filling fast enough. These are easier fears to put to bed than the incessant worries about children that came with teaching. But then there’s this: I wonder if I’m making any difference in the world.

I make resolutions. I will list places to go and things to do and I will not wait for someone else to be with me in order to embark.

I feel restless.

Is this what the end of summer feels like when it is not marked by a return to school?

I feel like something is about to happen – something big – like it must happen for me to keep going. It makes me jumpy.

On the other hand, I am so tired all the time. The gym is gone from my routine. I never cook anymore. I don’t keep up this blog and I’m hardly ever writing except for the all-the-time-writing that is my new job. I can scarcely believe the level of activity I kept up when I was teaching.

So I make more resolutions.

Summer is ending, accelerated, perhaps, by the early arrival of fall air, wind blowing my pen off the picnic table when I work outdoors, nights chilly. It’s already getting dark earlier, my friend said to me on Monday night.

Restless, restless.

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LIX.

Posted in Uncategorized on 17 August 2008 by ms. v

Everyone was out this weekend, Italian tourists leaning in across my head for a better look at the subway map, boys leaping like young hobbits from rock to rock in the southern part of the park, drummers clustered around a bench beating out a rhythm, lithe dancers hopping and spinning on rollerskates. Couples lay draped across each other on blankets, a family tossed a huge red ball back and forth, setting it like an enormous volleyball. An old man played the accordion for spare change near the model boat pond; four or five musicians sat in a circle by the statue of Hans Christian Andersen, dividing up their earnings of the afternoon. One noodled on the trumpet for a curious little boy.

LVIII.

Posted in Uncategorized on 16 August 2008 by ms. v

Mr. Beller’s Neighborhood is a neat idea… a map of NYC that’s also a nonfiction literary magazine where people submit stories linked to places.

LVII.

Posted in Uncategorized on 11 August 2008 by ms. v

queen anne's lace 1

skyline at sunset

ipod in the park

LVI.

Posted in Uncategorized on 11 August 2008 by ms. v

There’s a kitten meowing constantly in the garden in back of our building. It began yesterday but sounds desperate now. I can’t listen to it without wanting to scoop the animal up and somehow help it to live – but I can’t take in a stray cat for about a hundred reasons: Valentine would flip, the kitten might bring in diseases, strays aren’t easy to care for, I’m going out of town tomorrow, and I haven’t forgotten the nightmare that was Pandora, the cat I took in when I lived in Turkey. I seriously doubt the animal people will show up tonight to rescue this cat… one of the neighbors stopped by to see if it belonged to anyone, but it seems like it must be a stray. If I leave food out tonight, what will I do tomorrow? Should I just harden my heart until it stops meowing?

LV.

Posted in Uncategorized on 6 August 2008 by ms. v

I asked my landlord the other day if we could re-paint my bedroom, which is, at the moment, brick red. I lived with it for two months and didn’t like it. He said yes, and because he’s painting elsewhere in the building, he’s willing to do it for me, but only if he can do it Friday. This Friday. Two days from now. I think that’s better than me doing it myself, which was appealing as a project but also intimidating for a first-time painter. I was going to agonize for a lot longer before finally working up the guts and free time to do it. The house would have been a huge mess one way or the other, why not this week? But I am too tired to move everything into the living room, which just got put back together after my roommate moved out last weekend.

LIV.

Posted in Uncategorized on 5 August 2008 by ms. v

One of my favorite blogs, callalillie, which shut down for a while this spring, is back posting.